OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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