I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
