Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
