I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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