We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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