the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
