Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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