I am spending my child support on dildos
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
