i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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