careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
