I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
