I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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