Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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