Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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