Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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