we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
