I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
