I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
