I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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