I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
