Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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