i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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