I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
