I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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