physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
