I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
