ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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