There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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