ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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