If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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