I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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