Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
