got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
