FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
