There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
