Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
