jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
