ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
