life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
