please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
