Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
