I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
