hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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