I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
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Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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