I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
