When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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