you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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