Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
