Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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