Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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