Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
