I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
