You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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