My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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