So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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