Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
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my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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