Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
